Illuminist agents No1. An innumerable series.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I loved Aztec bars. About that time the first clearly identifiable illuminist agent, to my knowledge, heaved into my view. He was so obviously a ringer and a bad ‘un. Even at my tender age, as I ached to get out and play football with my mates amongst the coos in an Onthankian field, jamming a chip piece into my gob, he smelled.

Try and guess who he was fellow UKers.

He’d appear at about 5ish on the BBC. Warping onto the goggle box with false importance and gravitas, shuffling really important bits of paper. He would try and deliver really important shit in the following deeply patronising way.

“Hello small scum. By the power invested in me by the almighty BBC I have some really important things to tell you in small chunks to get into your small stupid minds. Today a big ship called an oil tanker crashed onto a rock. This is really bad. As I speak to you good peasants are sticking toothbrushes and fairy liquid up the sea birds arses to make them better. Some don’t make it. This is really, really bad. Small peasant, now listen to me, listen…...”

So successful was this agent that his BBC TeeVee program continues zombie like after he’d left to kill fauna and flora with a mother phekkin’ big V8 landie on BBC nature shows.

He wanders around the, usually English, countryside enjoying himself away from the urban decay, drive by shootings and diversity, for he is a Norman not a Saxon, giving it large about caring for the planet. I’ll bet Al Gore butt welds him at whatever passes for Bohemian grove in Worcestershire!!!

And we wonder why no one can get their head round totally staged phekkwittery like IRAN!!!!

So when the main event gets going just remember to check the list. The list that you need to keep with you at all times. Our equivalent of their red/blue lists. Don’t forget he was part of a machine that took money from you to keep you stupid via the toob in the corner. Show him no mercy. Stick a dead flamingo up his arse and make sure he realises that his life’s work was for naught before he breathes his last.

Heads up.